sometimes i feel like god is really playing tricks on me, or maybe intentionally giving me a hard time because of all the wrong that i've done and making things happen the way i never thought would be possible. so when such unimaginable things happen, i am completely thrown off course and i dont know how to handle myself. and you can't blame me because for once in my life i really don't know what is the right thing to do and what is the appropriate reaction i should be having. i really am lost, confused, angry, sad all at the same time.
so far two things have happened, both involving 2 of my friends. i don't know what else i can take. i'm scared to continue being around you all the time. i don't know what else will happen, i become an emotional wreck and it's really unhealthy for me. i dont think that i overdramatise everything, any normal person would react the same i'm so sure. neither do i want to put myself in a vulnerable position again where i could fall for you again and land myself back at square one. everyone, and i mean EVERYONE around me is telling me to completely stay away from you. that i shouldnt even be talking to you anymore. and that you are not worth my time and effort and everything because, to put it bluntly, you are an ultimate asshole. but both you and i know that it's so hard for me to cut off everything with you. somehow it's miserable to not have you around and at the back of my head i'll just start to think of you. somehow i have never changed my opinion of you despite all the shit that you've done to me, that you are truly a wonderful individual. but everything that you've done to me has proved me otherwise and i should be loathing/detesting you. maybe i am just waiting for you to confirm my judgement of you, so won't you please?
i told you that we should stay away from each other. but i find myself still secretly wanting, hoping to meet you or sthing along those lines. but im trying so hard to resist and im constantly telling myself no no no it won't be good for me at all. i keep on reminding myself of the shit that has happened, to persuade myself to just stay away because you're bad. but everything in my head is just screaming. am i weak? or do i just really want to be around you because it makes me happy.
it's really tiring. and it's unfair, how i go on each day like death, always struggling with my thoughts and emotions all messed up just thinking about you. but you on the other hand, your days are perfect. you go on with your life so happily because you've got P now. i feel like everything's just eating me away. and it's goddamn unfair.
that day when i first found out about you& M, i remember going crazy, just asking god to
"take away my pain
take away my pain
take away my pain...."
and i still remember saying it so many times as if i was chanting trying to calm myself down. well, i ask god to help me with that every single damn night still.
goodnight world, it's 5.35am